here you go cunts...

I admit that busting on the self-absorbed nature of actors talking about their “craft” on Inside the Actor’s Studio, is like shooting Greek sperm in Paris Hilton’s cooch. Real easy. It doesn’t matter though. My thirst for this baloney is unquenchable. I long for a book of the collected Bernard Pivot’s questionnaires to be released. Those planned answers tell you everything about how these celebractorsÔ want you to see them, while at the same time disgusting you with information you wish you could forget. For instance¾

What turns on Antonio Banderas? (you have been warned)

“Melanie…” he rolled off his tongue like a greasy brick of bullcockey.

“And about 15 other in this audience”, says host James Lipton, in his most shamelessly insincere piece of sycophancy. Come on…when was the last time Melanie Griffith was on People Magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful List? Exactly! Remember Antonio during his Almoldovar days? Sigh. And speaking of Melanie Griffith… Did you know her favorite word is exponential? Don’t worry I looked it up-it’s a boring math word. Dumb actresses like her and Sharon Stone have to constantly remind us that although they show us their tits and slits, they are actually member of Mensa. Who knew? We are all supposed to gush. The biggest thrill is when a ‘funny’ guy is on. Then you get gems like Mike Meyer’s favorite curse word, “You dentist!” Ha ha hardy har har.That’s a joke that would make Robin Williams proud.

Normally I don’t share all of these moments with people. Other than the fact that, like previously said, it is simply “too easy” to bust on them, I just don’t have time to defend my craptastic television taste against the queries of the Bill Moyer’s fans of the world. I know it is a waste of time. I know I should be watching Frontline or documentaries about the Influenza Epidemic of 1918. I am willing to proudly hide in shame, so to speak, but you must live without the knowledge that poor Melanie Griffith picked ‘brain surgeon’ as the career she’d most like to try. (We get it you’re edumacated!) So while their heads are full of Joseph Campbell and ‘the hero’s journey’ mine will remain dedicated to Ben Affleck and ‘the zero’s journey’. That being said, there was one moment that was so wonderfully delicious, that boldly risking ridicule, I had no choice but to share it with a group of friends during post-dinner party conversation.

The actor in question was my personal dreamboat Keifer Sutherland. I debated seriously whether or not I should taint his fuckability by watching him on the program to begin with, I told the table of friends, which included my now mildly annoyed boyfriend. Keifer’s favorite word was gravitas, pretentious, but his father is Canadian, I defended. We all know that Canadians are slightly fancier than us Americans.

It was his least favorite word that cannot ever be topped in its utterly hilarious misconceived attempt at, well, gravitas. Mind you, as I told this story I was uncontrollably hyperventilating, so much that I honestly didn’t think I could say the word. After several disturbing minutes, I spurted out in a high-pitched crescendo, Keifer’s least favorite word ni**er. I then proceeded to run to the bathroom because I thought it so funny, I had started to peepee. When I returned to the table, people had graciously moved on from the uncomfortable spectacle of a white person thinking the n-word was the hilarious punchline to a racist joke. Better to move on to the narcissistic white people game of pretending someone was interested in knowing our favorite and least favorite words.

Of course I had long ago made my choices, so I blurted out my least favorite word rant off the top of my head as scripted,

“Soul-mate or intense or connection or journey or my soul-mate and I have an intense connection on our journey together.” I said faux bumblingly.

Everyone laughed, just as I suspected James Lipton and the fourth year directing students would have. Yes! Then we went round the table. Of course there was the typical answers¾ pussy, cunt. I decided to rigorously defend these words. I declared that it wasn’t their being that was objected to, but their usage. Sure no one wants to hear some frat boy drunkenly declare his love of eating pussy, but pussy does have its charms. I rattled off a few everyday examples “Boy, my pussy’s prickly!” or “Sorry, I left a pussy print on the sheets!” or the time I asked my boyfriend (who instantly cringes when he hears that he will be mentioned in one of my sentences.) what he wanted for dinner and he said “pussy pie!”

“Maybe pussy needs alliteration. And can’t we all agree that it’s high time we started calling cats, pussys again?” I said to nary a Hear! Hear!

“Long live pussy!” I say somewhat more feebly.

As far as cunt goes sure no one wants to be called a cunt by a person who they deem repulsive, but is there a better word to call Nancy Reagan? Or Sean Hannity? Cunt is great for describing that person who is beyond bitch/dick, but it is also sorely underused for mundane purposes as well. For instance¾ once I was eavesdropping on my adored former neighbors from NY, who’s wonderfully Brooklyn accents carried throughout the courtyard, and came upon this gem.

“Babe have you seen the can opener?” he innocently inquired.

“Lick my cunt!” she yelled in disgust for the entire world to hear.

Now I don’t know if misplacing the can opener was a subject they had recently discussed in couple’s counseling or if the feminist in her simply objected to the use of the word babe. I choose to believe that she used it for feelings of mild annoyance, an important lesson. Why should cunt be reserved for extreme moments or the Nancy Reagans of the world? Using a powerful word like cunt in everyday situations is a thing of beauty. Telling someone to lick your cunt in response to a simple request is a gift from god.

Another least favorite word was panties. The conversation muddled on that one for a while with people just quietly agreeing that ‘panties’ was icky. Even I had no defense.

“You just picture some child rapist sniffing them” I said, once again bringing the room from thoughtful to awkward silence. Apparently they had not gone there instantly.

Several other people landed on more dirty words as being unacceptable, but I found use for all curse words. Dick is great for describing a person but as a substitute for penis it can be small and awkward. Cock is strong and meaty but it can lose some of its power the minute a guy says “Look my cock is getting so big”. In fact it is always risky for a man to refer to it, it just is and that should be enough. And please no chubby, shaft, rod, little buddy, snail with a German helmet et al… there is no need to have that many names for a penis. They have only one mood. Pussys are literally multilayered and deep. If they are feeling whimsical or playful they might be called snatch or poontang. Feeling blue? Twat is perfect on a rainy day. And you have to admit that fuckhole has a certain gravitas. In my book fuck is indispensable, motherfucker dignified, and buttfucker affectionate. How can you pick just one favorite curse word? That would definitely be my most challenging question, if ever I was in the hot seat. “I don’t know James…right now it’s a tie between dickweed and bitchfuck, but as an artist constantly evolves so must her profanity.”

When I do get on Inside the Actor’s Studio (they’re getting desperate, Jennifer Lopez, Tim Allen, Billy Joel!!?!) I will be prepared. What turns me on? Jack Bauer thank you very much. Sorry Keifer but I would be howling with laughter the minute your cumpump caught a whiff of my tuna taco (special thanks to “muffy’s world of vagina and penis euphemisms”). The sound I love? Purring. Hate? People talking about Christ. Career I’d like to try? Queen. Not like to try? Entertainment reporter. Of course when I get the call, I reserve the right to refine my answers and I’m still not sure what I want god to say to me at heaven’s gate due to my rabid atheism, but I can guarantee that ocean, absolute honesty, prejudice or Melanie, will not be my answer to any of the ten questions. My answers will not be attempts to make me look like a ‘good human being’ because I want to be loved for who I am. (She’s so honest!”) (“…and brave!”) (“I can’t believe she wore a nightgown on Inside the Actor’s Studio!” ) (I wish I was that cool!) (“Please love me!”) I will strive to put an end to insincere sincerity and mock irreverence. And I will still come off just as phony. But I will take comfort in the fact that no matter how phony I am, I will be no where near the worst.

“Summer days in the Berkshires” as a turn-on? As Shakespeare would say,” Lick my cunt Gwyneth, lick my cunt.”